To Another

I hope everyone has had the chance before to check out http://www.postsecret.com/

This week, there was a secret sent in from a a person in the Navy saying "I have less than 6 weeks left in boot camp, i know you have my adress. Please write"

wow, if you have read my last blogs you can imagine what shock I felt when I read that. I knew it was important to write to him when he leaves this september, but this makes it even more important. there was a blog set up http://bloggingforbootcamp.blogspot.com/ for him, so that others could write to him as well. You can ask the person who set it up for the log in information, and write something yourself, it is amazing, and it is so important. Maybe if you have a love one who is involved in the military, you can tell them about this blog, because it is ment for anyone who wants to escape back home for a moment.

Me and my own have been good the last couple of nights, I have been really tired though so sometimes the converstations are hard for me to be a real part of. I have to remind myself of the importance of these conversations, because in september they wont get to happen. September is so close. The only problem with going to bed at night is I know that when I wake up in the morning, it is one day closer to when he leaves.

another day.

Just wanted to write. I am so tired.. going 7 days a week at school... on the weekends im working on a historian video for grad (which will be amazing, but it is very tiring) talking to my man every night, I cannot wait to go see him. It will be amazing when im there and thats all I am looking forward to. (its nice to have things to look forward to)
He told me a couple more reasons for him joining the marines, stuff about schooling (he's doing financials for them) so that gave me a different look on it... wish he wasnt going. I have to see in the paper every day another person who has died or been killed... that the number of suicides in the marines after leaving them has gone up drastically. That might worry me more than anything else.. because he doesnt know what it is like.
The world is changing quicker than anyone can keep up with. Conflicts every day over issues which have never been brought up before... even conflicts starting over nothing. It scared me that he does this during this time in the world. If things werent so bad out there, maybe i would worry less. (but i worry because i love him)
I am scared for spetember, when he goes to bootcamp. I am scared to not see his face or hear his voice every night. That will be what kills me... not hearing "i love you" for 3 months. If anyone has gone through this.... please tell me how to make it through.
I am so exhausted that i think these issues bother me even more.. they hurt me a little more because i do not have the energy to put up a barrier between them. Soon all of the schooling and everything will be over so I can catch a few extra hours of sleep hopefully.

didnt see this coming

so after i had said that we no longer fight about him joining the marines, and just talk about it, we fought. (of cource) it was last night, and it was awful. I dont really know what happened, he kinda snapped at me. I tried to explain why it would be different, and even our phone calls after he is out of boot camp will be different. They should be, because they should mean more after spending some solid time together this summer. (he leaves sept 2)
He feels that every time he tries to be positive about something i just try to make it sound bad. I dont mean to if i actually do. He says he just trys to go day by day, but this is such a big portion, that i dont want to go into it blind.... and he shouldnt either. I dont want to plan out the next 4 years, but have a little bit of an idea of how it happens. I didnt want to fight, it was def. not a screaming match or anything, just frustration. Wish we were on the same page. Wish he knew why him being gone for 4 years is hard on me... and i wish i knew why he wanted to go.

why im doing this

So this is something I have never done before, but I think at this point in my life it is something that I need to do. To just be able to write and to not stop until I have run out of the ideas that are on my mind... and I am hoping that someone will be around to read them.

I am very happy, and try to make an effort to make that the face I show to the world. Sometimes its hard. Sounds silly... some 17 year old (soon be 18) thinking sometimes that it is the end of the world. I have been through a lot though... and for me to share what has gone on in my life would take about 500 different blogs :)

The newest thing in my life... which I think about all day at school, or at home, or at my meetings, and dream about during the night.. one of the most important men in my life has joined the marines. It is a very long story between us, I have known him for 5 years, it took a few bad boyfriends and a long time for us to realize that the love we have for each other was more than just a friendship. We talked for a long time about future plans, Im his canadian girl and he is my love down in Portland. We talk every night, for hours sometimes, and there is never a day that i don't here "I love you." When I first found out.. he was so excited to tell me that he had made this choice, i sat on the other side of the screen and cried... but said i was happy for him (he was at home at the time, I was here in Alberta) This is my every day struggle, not only not being there everyday with him.. but knowing that starting september 2nd, he is commited to them for the next 4 years, and will be away from me. One of the hardest things is that this changed our plans, he thought this was the best time to do this... so I could continue school and we would both be ready when he got out... 4 years is forever to me... expecially when ill only be able to see him 1 month of the year. We are trying to understand each other now. It took him a long time to see why this was so hard for me... why i would cry over it.
Our last conversation came down to the truth. He would blame me and would ask why i was so worried of him going, but when he said that he would drop out of it, i would say no and that I would want him to go. That night this is what I said, and it took me a long time to find this in my heart.
"I want you to go, because it is what you want to do and I love you, but that is why it is hard for me"

We have been better about this now, we dont fight but talk. (This is the only issue we have fought over in 5 years)

I hope no one has to feel what i felt when I found out the love of my life was leaving, it is a pain I have never felt before. But I do put a smile on, and I will make this work, even if that means a few tears along the way.