didnt see this coming

so after i had said that we no longer fight about him joining the marines, and just talk about it, we fought. (of cource) it was last night, and it was awful. I dont really know what happened, he kinda snapped at me. I tried to explain why it would be different, and even our phone calls after he is out of boot camp will be different. They should be, because they should mean more after spending some solid time together this summer. (he leaves sept 2)
He feels that every time he tries to be positive about something i just try to make it sound bad. I dont mean to if i actually do. He says he just trys to go day by day, but this is such a big portion, that i dont want to go into it blind.... and he shouldnt either. I dont want to plan out the next 4 years, but have a little bit of an idea of how it happens. I didnt want to fight, it was def. not a screaming match or anything, just frustration. Wish we were on the same page. Wish he knew why him being gone for 4 years is hard on me... and i wish i knew why he wanted to go.

why im doing this

So this is something I have never done before, but I think at this point in my life it is something that I need to do. To just be able to write and to not stop until I have run out of the ideas that are on my mind... and I am hoping that someone will be around to read them.

I am very happy, and try to make an effort to make that the face I show to the world. Sometimes its hard. Sounds silly... some 17 year old (soon be 18) thinking sometimes that it is the end of the world. I have been through a lot though... and for me to share what has gone on in my life would take about 500 different blogs :)

The newest thing in my life... which I think about all day at school, or at home, or at my meetings, and dream about during the night.. one of the most important men in my life has joined the marines. It is a very long story between us, I have known him for 5 years, it took a few bad boyfriends and a long time for us to realize that the love we have for each other was more than just a friendship. We talked for a long time about future plans, Im his canadian girl and he is my love down in Portland. We talk every night, for hours sometimes, and there is never a day that i don't here "I love you." When I first found out.. he was so excited to tell me that he had made this choice, i sat on the other side of the screen and cried... but said i was happy for him (he was at home at the time, I was here in Alberta) This is my every day struggle, not only not being there everyday with him.. but knowing that starting september 2nd, he is commited to them for the next 4 years, and will be away from me. One of the hardest things is that this changed our plans, he thought this was the best time to do this... so I could continue school and we would both be ready when he got out... 4 years is forever to me... expecially when ill only be able to see him 1 month of the year. We are trying to understand each other now. It took him a long time to see why this was so hard for me... why i would cry over it.
Our last conversation came down to the truth. He would blame me and would ask why i was so worried of him going, but when he said that he would drop out of it, i would say no and that I would want him to go. That night this is what I said, and it took me a long time to find this in my heart.
"I want you to go, because it is what you want to do and I love you, but that is why it is hard for me"

We have been better about this now, we dont fight but talk. (This is the only issue we have fought over in 5 years)

I hope no one has to feel what i felt when I found out the love of my life was leaving, it is a pain I have never felt before. But I do put a smile on, and I will make this work, even if that means a few tears along the way.