Sorry I havent been here for awhile, my heart was breaking

He told me that we should jsut forget about us. My heart has never hurt so much. He worries its to much for me to handle. Its hard for me to handle that Ill see him a couple weeks a year, that I will have to live by myself, not share and make memories with him. Im not asking for a house and a white fence, just for him to really get it. He says he understands, but when I said that I would miss him, he told me I was insensitive. I was really mad about that. Someone let me know if Im making a big deal over nothing, but 4 years to me happens to mean something. He doesnt know where he will be stuck going, I dont know how to move a relationship forward over telephone conversations. What we have right now is not going to be good enough in 4 years.
God, I am going to miss him, and I am so scared that he will decide to just ditch me, thinking that it would be for the best. That would hurt me more than anything else... If he decided to just not talk to me anymore. I dont know how he could just throw everything away. I already miss him, and he's not even gone yet. But I guess we are over, and I really am alone. I always said "risk over regret" but regret won this time. I told him that I would get hurt either way... that I would be hurt when he had to leave, or end up like I am now... hurt because there is no special relationship there anymore apparently. no "dating", bf, gf whatever.
I do love him.

Its been while, but I've been busy getting things ready for grad and attending awrad things and all of that. Me and the boy have been good.. didnt really have the chance to talk to him this weekend cause I was busy. Sept is coming fast.. thats when he leaves. I go down there Aug 7 for 3 weeks so im looking forward to that. He said he mailed me a present :) so im waiting for that. hehe. Things have been good.. I think it will be hard for grad when he isnt here. Im not going to like that very much.
I dont have a whole lot to say this week. Everything is okay I guess, not great because he is leaving, but not horrible because we havent fought.
-t

Dont know what to do

It feels like I have "cold feet" or something. We didnt really talk last night, or even for the last week or so. Im scared about waiting 4 years, and told him that. I wish one thing would change. Either that he didnt love me, or that I didnt love him, or that he wasnt going or that I was going. Just something, because its to hard. He says that this frustrates him... I asked him if I was wrong that 4 years wasnt a long time... asked him to tell me I was wrong but he never did. He said "I try to tell you that I think its going to be alright"

why is it hard? ? I cant even write words down that sound fine, sounds like something someone would want to read, or that I will want to read after.
I dont know what to do? If you can help me, give me advice or anything, please do. I need it.

I cant just turn around and not have anything, not have any part of this, I just wish I could have seen this choice coming, then maybe I wouldnt have gotten myself so deep into it, into him. I sit here and wait for a txt back.. and still havent gotten one. I dont want my next entry to say that he left me.