phone call

I had him call me last night, first time we've talked on the phone since I dont know when. I dont even know how to compare that conversation to anything else. It was like we had absolutley nothing to say to each other. That hurt more than deciding I was single. I asked about his plans for the summer, we were supose to spend aug together, he didnt mention that. I hope I didnt lose my best friend, along with someone I love. I need to be able to hold a conversation, I dont even know what is wrong with us. I am suppose to go to a party tom. to celebrate a birthday, I dont even want to anymore because it feels like a part of me is missing. The part that makes me excited about things and brave enough to try new things. I just feel dead now, cant make myself seem exciting.
I think if I dont go this summer, and he leaves on september 2nd, that part of me will die. Sounds ridiculous from an 18 year old, but it is true, I have loved and lost before, but nothing like this. When every person I go out with makes me feel like it is all so pointless, because all I want is him.
I do not believe it is me that needs to come around, I am in the spot where I am trying to have our normal friend converstations, and its just like talking to a wall. I need to know if he cares, because I love him and still care. I am willing to not have him as anymore than a friend, but it takes 2 to make a friendship work. I cant make it work all by myself.
I hope if you read this that you will look at all of your loved ones, and take a minute to be thankful for them, and to make yourself happy and positive. By doing this for yourself, that energy will feed off for them, your absolute happiness is one of the best gifts you could ever give.

a tired one

its late, waiting for him to get home from work... he's doing 10 hour days. Its hard to put all my energy into making friendly conversation, not mentioning anything about us really... small chit chat. Neither one of us brings it up... i think ill wait for him to say something. Im going to burn him a cd next week, found some awesome new songs... need to ask if im going to stay in portland with him this summer.. holding my breath. I think i might wait on that one.
Im sad, feel so empty, we talk but it doesnt mean a whole lot. He said he still loves me, and that, that portion has not changed. I told him that i think his love has, it feels different to me. He also said that it sucked that he had to make the hard choices for us. I think I just needed to hear one more time that we would be okay. I do know that it is not fair that I make this hard for him... maybe he was right when he said I cant handle it, I think I can, he just needs to handle it with me.
When the person you love leaves for 4 years, it hits you. We lost a calgary medic a few weeks ago in Iraq, a doctor, killed on the Canadian base... that scares me... because he will be a US Marine. I was so scared and sad for his family, because he went their to help people. This world is crazy. We need to step back and ask what is wrong with us. On a war, enviroment and personal level. We need to make ourselves available to help people who need help. Guns and bombs dont solve anything, and so many people get hurt along the way. It makes me embarrased for our planet, for how we have decided to solve problems. At this moment I dont want to be apart of the solution we have decided on.

I dont know what I hope for anymore. Im tired, sick, fighting to be okay, and I know I will be. What we have right now will not work, because its just empty.