a tired one

its late, waiting for him to get home from work... he's doing 10 hour days. Its hard to put all my energy into making friendly conversation, not mentioning anything about us really... small chit chat. Neither one of us brings it up... i think ill wait for him to say something. Im going to burn him a cd next week, found some awesome new songs... need to ask if im going to stay in portland with him this summer.. holding my breath. I think i might wait on that one.
Im sad, feel so empty, we talk but it doesnt mean a whole lot. He said he still loves me, and that, that portion has not changed. I told him that i think his love has, it feels different to me. He also said that it sucked that he had to make the hard choices for us. I think I just needed to hear one more time that we would be okay. I do know that it is not fair that I make this hard for him... maybe he was right when he said I cant handle it, I think I can, he just needs to handle it with me.
When the person you love leaves for 4 years, it hits you. We lost a calgary medic a few weeks ago in Iraq, a doctor, killed on the Canadian base... that scares me... because he will be a US Marine. I was so scared and sad for his family, because he went their to help people. This world is crazy. We need to step back and ask what is wrong with us. On a war, enviroment and personal level. We need to make ourselves available to help people who need help. Guns and bombs dont solve anything, and so many people get hurt along the way. It makes me embarrased for our planet, for how we have decided to solve problems. At this moment I dont want to be apart of the solution we have decided on.

I dont know what I hope for anymore. Im tired, sick, fighting to be okay, and I know I will be. What we have right now will not work, because its just empty.