sept 2

he has been gone since september 2, I have a stack of letters sitting on my table to mail him. Someone is suppose to call me with his address, it feels like i have been waiting for months, not just 2 weeks. the worst feeling in the world.
I just wish it would go back to the way it was.

its been forever

I know it has been a long time, and I do appologize if someone has checked back on this...
it was crazy... a time when we didnt talk... where I moved on but still thought of him every day. The last 2 weeks we have been talking again... he is spending alot of time back home in Portland. I never went there to see him... he leaves in like 24 days or something like that. It is very hard, but at least I brought him back into my life. Never ever throw that stuff away, never lose it.
I am scared for when he is deployed... expecially now that there are even more civil wars happening around the world.. in places like Russia. Another one of our soldiers was killed this week... Josh Robbert i believe is his name... my heart goes out to his family.


Never let go of anything or anyone you love.
light and love always,
t

phone call

I had him call me last night, first time we've talked on the phone since I dont know when. I dont even know how to compare that conversation to anything else. It was like we had absolutley nothing to say to each other. That hurt more than deciding I was single. I asked about his plans for the summer, we were supose to spend aug together, he didnt mention that. I hope I didnt lose my best friend, along with someone I love. I need to be able to hold a conversation, I dont even know what is wrong with us. I am suppose to go to a party tom. to celebrate a birthday, I dont even want to anymore because it feels like a part of me is missing. The part that makes me excited about things and brave enough to try new things. I just feel dead now, cant make myself seem exciting.
I think if I dont go this summer, and he leaves on september 2nd, that part of me will die. Sounds ridiculous from an 18 year old, but it is true, I have loved and lost before, but nothing like this. When every person I go out with makes me feel like it is all so pointless, because all I want is him.
I do not believe it is me that needs to come around, I am in the spot where I am trying to have our normal friend converstations, and its just like talking to a wall. I need to know if he cares, because I love him and still care. I am willing to not have him as anymore than a friend, but it takes 2 to make a friendship work. I cant make it work all by myself.
I hope if you read this that you will look at all of your loved ones, and take a minute to be thankful for them, and to make yourself happy and positive. By doing this for yourself, that energy will feed off for them, your absolute happiness is one of the best gifts you could ever give.

a tired one

its late, waiting for him to get home from work... he's doing 10 hour days. Its hard to put all my energy into making friendly conversation, not mentioning anything about us really... small chit chat. Neither one of us brings it up... i think ill wait for him to say something. Im going to burn him a cd next week, found some awesome new songs... need to ask if im going to stay in portland with him this summer.. holding my breath. I think i might wait on that one.
Im sad, feel so empty, we talk but it doesnt mean a whole lot. He said he still loves me, and that, that portion has not changed. I told him that i think his love has, it feels different to me. He also said that it sucked that he had to make the hard choices for us. I think I just needed to hear one more time that we would be okay. I do know that it is not fair that I make this hard for him... maybe he was right when he said I cant handle it, I think I can, he just needs to handle it with me.
When the person you love leaves for 4 years, it hits you. We lost a calgary medic a few weeks ago in Iraq, a doctor, killed on the Canadian base... that scares me... because he will be a US Marine. I was so scared and sad for his family, because he went their to help people. This world is crazy. We need to step back and ask what is wrong with us. On a war, enviroment and personal level. We need to make ourselves available to help people who need help. Guns and bombs dont solve anything, and so many people get hurt along the way. It makes me embarrased for our planet, for how we have decided to solve problems. At this moment I dont want to be apart of the solution we have decided on.

I dont know what I hope for anymore. Im tired, sick, fighting to be okay, and I know I will be. What we have right now will not work, because its just empty.

Sorry I havent been here for awhile, my heart was breaking

He told me that we should jsut forget about us. My heart has never hurt so much. He worries its to much for me to handle. Its hard for me to handle that Ill see him a couple weeks a year, that I will have to live by myself, not share and make memories with him. Im not asking for a house and a white fence, just for him to really get it. He says he understands, but when I said that I would miss him, he told me I was insensitive. I was really mad about that. Someone let me know if Im making a big deal over nothing, but 4 years to me happens to mean something. He doesnt know where he will be stuck going, I dont know how to move a relationship forward over telephone conversations. What we have right now is not going to be good enough in 4 years.
God, I am going to miss him, and I am so scared that he will decide to just ditch me, thinking that it would be for the best. That would hurt me more than anything else... If he decided to just not talk to me anymore. I dont know how he could just throw everything away. I already miss him, and he's not even gone yet. But I guess we are over, and I really am alone. I always said "risk over regret" but regret won this time. I told him that I would get hurt either way... that I would be hurt when he had to leave, or end up like I am now... hurt because there is no special relationship there anymore apparently. no "dating", bf, gf whatever.
I do love him.

Its been while, but I've been busy getting things ready for grad and attending awrad things and all of that. Me and the boy have been good.. didnt really have the chance to talk to him this weekend cause I was busy. Sept is coming fast.. thats when he leaves. I go down there Aug 7 for 3 weeks so im looking forward to that. He said he mailed me a present :) so im waiting for that. hehe. Things have been good.. I think it will be hard for grad when he isnt here. Im not going to like that very much.
I dont have a whole lot to say this week. Everything is okay I guess, not great because he is leaving, but not horrible because we havent fought.
-t

Dont know what to do

It feels like I have "cold feet" or something. We didnt really talk last night, or even for the last week or so. Im scared about waiting 4 years, and told him that. I wish one thing would change. Either that he didnt love me, or that I didnt love him, or that he wasnt going or that I was going. Just something, because its to hard. He says that this frustrates him... I asked him if I was wrong that 4 years wasnt a long time... asked him to tell me I was wrong but he never did. He said "I try to tell you that I think its going to be alright"

why is it hard? ? I cant even write words down that sound fine, sounds like something someone would want to read, or that I will want to read after.
I dont know what to do? If you can help me, give me advice or anything, please do. I need it.

I cant just turn around and not have anything, not have any part of this, I just wish I could have seen this choice coming, then maybe I wouldnt have gotten myself so deep into it, into him. I sit here and wait for a txt back.. and still havent gotten one. I dont want my next entry to say that he left me.

To Another

I hope everyone has had the chance before to check out http://www.postsecret.com/

This week, there was a secret sent in from a a person in the Navy saying "I have less than 6 weeks left in boot camp, i know you have my adress. Please write"

wow, if you have read my last blogs you can imagine what shock I felt when I read that. I knew it was important to write to him when he leaves this september, but this makes it even more important. there was a blog set up http://bloggingforbootcamp.blogspot.com/ for him, so that others could write to him as well. You can ask the person who set it up for the log in information, and write something yourself, it is amazing, and it is so important. Maybe if you have a love one who is involved in the military, you can tell them about this blog, because it is ment for anyone who wants to escape back home for a moment.

Me and my own have been good the last couple of nights, I have been really tired though so sometimes the converstations are hard for me to be a real part of. I have to remind myself of the importance of these conversations, because in september they wont get to happen. September is so close. The only problem with going to bed at night is I know that when I wake up in the morning, it is one day closer to when he leaves.

another day.

Just wanted to write. I am so tired.. going 7 days a week at school... on the weekends im working on a historian video for grad (which will be amazing, but it is very tiring) talking to my man every night, I cannot wait to go see him. It will be amazing when im there and thats all I am looking forward to. (its nice to have things to look forward to)
He told me a couple more reasons for him joining the marines, stuff about schooling (he's doing financials for them) so that gave me a different look on it... wish he wasnt going. I have to see in the paper every day another person who has died or been killed... that the number of suicides in the marines after leaving them has gone up drastically. That might worry me more than anything else.. because he doesnt know what it is like.
The world is changing quicker than anyone can keep up with. Conflicts every day over issues which have never been brought up before... even conflicts starting over nothing. It scared me that he does this during this time in the world. If things werent so bad out there, maybe i would worry less. (but i worry because i love him)
I am scared for spetember, when he goes to bootcamp. I am scared to not see his face or hear his voice every night. That will be what kills me... not hearing "i love you" for 3 months. If anyone has gone through this.... please tell me how to make it through.
I am so exhausted that i think these issues bother me even more.. they hurt me a little more because i do not have the energy to put up a barrier between them. Soon all of the schooling and everything will be over so I can catch a few extra hours of sleep hopefully.

didnt see this coming

so after i had said that we no longer fight about him joining the marines, and just talk about it, we fought. (of cource) it was last night, and it was awful. I dont really know what happened, he kinda snapped at me. I tried to explain why it would be different, and even our phone calls after he is out of boot camp will be different. They should be, because they should mean more after spending some solid time together this summer. (he leaves sept 2)
He feels that every time he tries to be positive about something i just try to make it sound bad. I dont mean to if i actually do. He says he just trys to go day by day, but this is such a big portion, that i dont want to go into it blind.... and he shouldnt either. I dont want to plan out the next 4 years, but have a little bit of an idea of how it happens. I didnt want to fight, it was def. not a screaming match or anything, just frustration. Wish we were on the same page. Wish he knew why him being gone for 4 years is hard on me... and i wish i knew why he wanted to go.

why im doing this

So this is something I have never done before, but I think at this point in my life it is something that I need to do. To just be able to write and to not stop until I have run out of the ideas that are on my mind... and I am hoping that someone will be around to read them.

I am very happy, and try to make an effort to make that the face I show to the world. Sometimes its hard. Sounds silly... some 17 year old (soon be 18) thinking sometimes that it is the end of the world. I have been through a lot though... and for me to share what has gone on in my life would take about 500 different blogs :)

The newest thing in my life... which I think about all day at school, or at home, or at my meetings, and dream about during the night.. one of the most important men in my life has joined the marines. It is a very long story between us, I have known him for 5 years, it took a few bad boyfriends and a long time for us to realize that the love we have for each other was more than just a friendship. We talked for a long time about future plans, Im his canadian girl and he is my love down in Portland. We talk every night, for hours sometimes, and there is never a day that i don't here "I love you." When I first found out.. he was so excited to tell me that he had made this choice, i sat on the other side of the screen and cried... but said i was happy for him (he was at home at the time, I was here in Alberta) This is my every day struggle, not only not being there everyday with him.. but knowing that starting september 2nd, he is commited to them for the next 4 years, and will be away from me. One of the hardest things is that this changed our plans, he thought this was the best time to do this... so I could continue school and we would both be ready when he got out... 4 years is forever to me... expecially when ill only be able to see him 1 month of the year. We are trying to understand each other now. It took him a long time to see why this was so hard for me... why i would cry over it.
Our last conversation came down to the truth. He would blame me and would ask why i was so worried of him going, but when he said that he would drop out of it, i would say no and that I would want him to go. That night this is what I said, and it took me a long time to find this in my heart.
"I want you to go, because it is what you want to do and I love you, but that is why it is hard for me"

We have been better about this now, we dont fight but talk. (This is the only issue we have fought over in 5 years)

I hope no one has to feel what i felt when I found out the love of my life was leaving, it is a pain I have never felt before. But I do put a smile on, and I will make this work, even if that means a few tears along the way.