sept 2

he has been gone since september 2, I have a stack of letters sitting on my table to mail him. Someone is suppose to call me with his address, it feels like i have been waiting for months, not just 2 weeks. the worst feeling in the world.
I just wish it would go back to the way it was.

its been forever

I know it has been a long time, and I do appologize if someone has checked back on this...
it was crazy... a time when we didnt talk... where I moved on but still thought of him every day. The last 2 weeks we have been talking again... he is spending alot of time back home in Portland. I never went there to see him... he leaves in like 24 days or something like that. It is very hard, but at least I brought him back into my life. Never ever throw that stuff away, never lose it.
I am scared for when he is deployed... expecially now that there are even more civil wars happening around the world.. in places like Russia. Another one of our soldiers was killed this week... Josh Robbert i believe is his name... my heart goes out to his family.


Never let go of anything or anyone you love.
light and love always,
t

phone call

I had him call me last night, first time we've talked on the phone since I dont know when. I dont even know how to compare that conversation to anything else. It was like we had absolutley nothing to say to each other. That hurt more than deciding I was single. I asked about his plans for the summer, we were supose to spend aug together, he didnt mention that. I hope I didnt lose my best friend, along with someone I love. I need to be able to hold a conversation, I dont even know what is wrong with us. I am suppose to go to a party tom. to celebrate a birthday, I dont even want to anymore because it feels like a part of me is missing. The part that makes me excited about things and brave enough to try new things. I just feel dead now, cant make myself seem exciting.
I think if I dont go this summer, and he leaves on september 2nd, that part of me will die. Sounds ridiculous from an 18 year old, but it is true, I have loved and lost before, but nothing like this. When every person I go out with makes me feel like it is all so pointless, because all I want is him.
I do not believe it is me that needs to come around, I am in the spot where I am trying to have our normal friend converstations, and its just like talking to a wall. I need to know if he cares, because I love him and still care. I am willing to not have him as anymore than a friend, but it takes 2 to make a friendship work. I cant make it work all by myself.
I hope if you read this that you will look at all of your loved ones, and take a minute to be thankful for them, and to make yourself happy and positive. By doing this for yourself, that energy will feed off for them, your absolute happiness is one of the best gifts you could ever give.

a tired one

its late, waiting for him to get home from work... he's doing 10 hour days. Its hard to put all my energy into making friendly conversation, not mentioning anything about us really... small chit chat. Neither one of us brings it up... i think ill wait for him to say something. Im going to burn him a cd next week, found some awesome new songs... need to ask if im going to stay in portland with him this summer.. holding my breath. I think i might wait on that one.
Im sad, feel so empty, we talk but it doesnt mean a whole lot. He said he still loves me, and that, that portion has not changed. I told him that i think his love has, it feels different to me. He also said that it sucked that he had to make the hard choices for us. I think I just needed to hear one more time that we would be okay. I do know that it is not fair that I make this hard for him... maybe he was right when he said I cant handle it, I think I can, he just needs to handle it with me.
When the person you love leaves for 4 years, it hits you. We lost a calgary medic a few weeks ago in Iraq, a doctor, killed on the Canadian base... that scares me... because he will be a US Marine. I was so scared and sad for his family, because he went their to help people. This world is crazy. We need to step back and ask what is wrong with us. On a war, enviroment and personal level. We need to make ourselves available to help people who need help. Guns and bombs dont solve anything, and so many people get hurt along the way. It makes me embarrased for our planet, for how we have decided to solve problems. At this moment I dont want to be apart of the solution we have decided on.

I dont know what I hope for anymore. Im tired, sick, fighting to be okay, and I know I will be. What we have right now will not work, because its just empty.

Sorry I havent been here for awhile, my heart was breaking

He told me that we should jsut forget about us. My heart has never hurt so much. He worries its to much for me to handle. Its hard for me to handle that Ill see him a couple weeks a year, that I will have to live by myself, not share and make memories with him. Im not asking for a house and a white fence, just for him to really get it. He says he understands, but when I said that I would miss him, he told me I was insensitive. I was really mad about that. Someone let me know if Im making a big deal over nothing, but 4 years to me happens to mean something. He doesnt know where he will be stuck going, I dont know how to move a relationship forward over telephone conversations. What we have right now is not going to be good enough in 4 years.
God, I am going to miss him, and I am so scared that he will decide to just ditch me, thinking that it would be for the best. That would hurt me more than anything else... If he decided to just not talk to me anymore. I dont know how he could just throw everything away. I already miss him, and he's not even gone yet. But I guess we are over, and I really am alone. I always said "risk over regret" but regret won this time. I told him that I would get hurt either way... that I would be hurt when he had to leave, or end up like I am now... hurt because there is no special relationship there anymore apparently. no "dating", bf, gf whatever.
I do love him.

Its been while, but I've been busy getting things ready for grad and attending awrad things and all of that. Me and the boy have been good.. didnt really have the chance to talk to him this weekend cause I was busy. Sept is coming fast.. thats when he leaves. I go down there Aug 7 for 3 weeks so im looking forward to that. He said he mailed me a present :) so im waiting for that. hehe. Things have been good.. I think it will be hard for grad when he isnt here. Im not going to like that very much.
I dont have a whole lot to say this week. Everything is okay I guess, not great because he is leaving, but not horrible because we havent fought.
-t

Dont know what to do

It feels like I have "cold feet" or something. We didnt really talk last night, or even for the last week or so. Im scared about waiting 4 years, and told him that. I wish one thing would change. Either that he didnt love me, or that I didnt love him, or that he wasnt going or that I was going. Just something, because its to hard. He says that this frustrates him... I asked him if I was wrong that 4 years wasnt a long time... asked him to tell me I was wrong but he never did. He said "I try to tell you that I think its going to be alright"

why is it hard? ? I cant even write words down that sound fine, sounds like something someone would want to read, or that I will want to read after.
I dont know what to do? If you can help me, give me advice or anything, please do. I need it.

I cant just turn around and not have anything, not have any part of this, I just wish I could have seen this choice coming, then maybe I wouldnt have gotten myself so deep into it, into him. I sit here and wait for a txt back.. and still havent gotten one. I dont want my next entry to say that he left me.